What You Need To Know
Doggy style is for men who enjoy demeaning women (i.e. they’re insecure).
Choosing the missionary sex position says you’re safe and boring.
The cat is for men looking for a deep spiritual connection.
“She loves you because you always speak in a monotone, only ever order chicken at restaurants and still find Jeff Foxworthy hilarious.”
For centuries, we have used what goes on in the bedroom (or outside of it if we’re freaky) to help determine who we are. Sexuality and masculinity have forever been intertwined, like Paris Hilton and sex tapes, professional athletes and affairs, and Britney Spears and mediocre comebacks. It’s not only how often we have sex that matters, but how we have sex that helps define our manhood. Some men like it fast and hard, while others like it slow and soft. Some men like it dangling from the ceiling while hooked to eight-inch chains, while others like it in the depths of the pacific ocean (mermaid fetishes are so in right now). Others prefer it the old-fashioned way: Strapped to the hood of a Formula 1 car traveling at full speed. Regardless of our personal preference, the way we have sex does more than determine the time it takes for us to get off; it determines who we are as men. Here’s what your sex position says about you.
You have a real disdain toward women, and you try and degrade them any chance you get. This stems from deep insecurities rooted in the many rejections you suffered in high school, mostly due to your overwhelming acne and your complete inability to express yourself through fashion. Now that your face has cleared up and you’ve read a couple of AskMen fashion articles, girls actually want to have sex with you (after a few martinis) — and this is your chance for payback. Doggy style is the best way for you to completely demean your partner by implementing any one of the following: the Donkey Punch, the Ram, the Bucking Bronco, and your all-time favorite, the Dirty Sanchez.
You’re someone who doesn’t like to take chances and prefers playing by the rules. That’s why instead of pursuing your childhood dream of becoming a trapeze artist, you’ve been working at the same truck-rental company since college. Luckily for you, your boss’ daughter doesn’t love you for your spontaneity in the bedroom. She loves you because you always speak in a monotone, only ever order chicken at restaurants and still find Jeff Foxworthy hilarious. Besides, whenever she craves sexual enlightenment, she calls your brother, the trapeze artist.
Our discussion of what your sex position says about you continues with The Cowgirl, next…
You don’t believe in hard work and are used to everything being handed to you on a silver platter. You’re an only child, so all your life your parents bowed to your every whim (did you really need that mini roller coaster built in your backyard?) to make up for the fact that they just didn’t want to do it with each other anymore. Even the girl you’re with now is the daughter of family friends, and the only reason she’s still with you is because the consulting job your uncle got you helps pay for her expensive coke habit. And if all it takes for her to get her fix is to hop on board Kaptain Kielbasa for five minutes until you finish, then so be it. After all, ripping lines in the condo your daddy bought you sure beats working the streets.
There’s nothing more important to you in this world than being in a relationship. All your life you’ve been picked on by your friends, and you’ve developed low self-esteem as a result. The mere idea of ever sticking up for yourself gives you massive anxiety. The only person that doesn’t pick on you is your girlfriend. She tells you that your body is too spindly, your hair is too thin and your pork loin is too dry to be helpful, not abusive. That’s why you’ll gladly do her nails, zip up her dress and fill her wallet before she goes clubbing with the girls, and why you look forward to holding her hair back when she pukes in the toilet at 4:00 a.m. After all, if she’s blackout drunk, you can spoon her all night long.
If you’ve mastered this Tantric favorite, than sex is only your third favorite thing in the world, right behind drum circles and goji berries. You don’t mind physical orgasms, but you prefer spiritual ones, in which your infinite soul is intertwined with your partner’s infinite soul in a fractal sea of synchronicity. Unfortunately, your girlfriend refuses to give you an orgasm — both physical and spiritual — until you cut off those mangy dreads. Or better yet, shower.